I Still Cry

Wow! I can’t believe in 3 short months Aja will be gone to the Rainbow Bridge for a whole year. It doesn’t seem possible. I think about her everyday and the tears immediately come. The guilt is there that maybe we should have waited, maybe we should have been in the room with her, maybe we should have kept her ashes, maybe, maybe, maybe… In the scope of things it really doesn’t matter, does it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will be waiting for me when I cross the bridge and she will come running to me like she always did.

If anyone had ever told me I would be this attached to a dog, or grieve this much for an animal, I would have told them they were crazy! My beloved Cupcake was my soul mate. For a cat he knew me better than anyone and he loved me until the day I had to make that difficult decision for him. I kept his ashes. As close as “Cake” and I were, I didn’t grieve for him nearly as much as I do for Aja. I don’t know, maybe it’s because dogs have more personality than cats and somehow seem more human. But dang, I miss that dog!

Last night Grayson was on the bed and hubby and I were playing with him. I was going rur,rur,rur to him like I always did to Aja and he got very upset with me. Maybe it was the hearing something familiar or maybe he too still misses Aja. Rascal? Well, he could care less. He was always wary of Aja because she was so much bigger than him.

I see so many posts about people being afraid of pit bulls. My Aja was a Pitt bull/boxer mix ans she was one of the most gentle dogs I have ever seen. She would lick and love you all over before she would hurt you. She was very timid and shy but loved unconditionally. Maybe that’s what I miss the most – the unconditional love.

Time Heals – Or Does It

Well, that’s what THEY say anyway. Aja has been gone a week now and my last thought before falling asleep and my first waking thought are of her. I miss her terribly. I don’t miss falling over her or picking up her poop or her shaking when it thundered but I do miss her presence, her personality, the odd faces she made. her “talking” and a host of other things I won’t mention because I’ll cry. But most of all I miss the love. You know the saying – you don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it – well I guess that’s how we feel. Aja was a much bigger part of this family than either of us realized and there is a definite hole in the family now. It will get better, I know it will. I just have to give it TIME!

Added to that is the fact that we haven’t heard one word from our daughter. I know she had distanced herself from the dog over the last 5 years and she didn’t really know her anymore but I thought maybe she would call to see how we are doing. I guess she just doesn’t realize what a hard decision that was to make. She is one of those people who has the attitude that says – if I don’t acknowledge it, it isn’t happening. Well how very nice for her. Wish I could live in that world. She forgets that we took care of Aja for her entire life and she was supposed to be Sarah’s dog! We didn’t even get a thank you. I guess it was expected. Not by us, that’s for sure!

Sunday daughter Sarah will be 23 years old. We have never felt farther away from her. Now that Aja is gone she has no reason to call or even visit. I guess we have finally become the “other” life to her. Don’t get me wrong, we are very proud of her. She graduated from college with a double major, got herself a job – that had nothing to do with either major – but a job none the less, moved in with her boyfriend and is trying to make a life for herself. Mom and Dad got dropped like hot potatoes. She doesn’t need us anymore – or so she thinks. I just hope I live long enough to be needed again – for whatever reason – by one of my children. Doesn’t make me sound like a very good mother, does it? Oh well, I tried.

Lord, please give me strength, and peace, and direction. Amen

…And Life Goes On

Hi! It’s Me – Grayson Patrick Young – THE cat. My human said I could do the blog because a lot of my friends – well, okay, a few of my friends – were interested in my life. Well I can tell you this. I MISS MY DOG! I keep hoping she is just away for some reason but my human keeps telling me she isn’t coming back. Somewhere inside I know that just like I know Aja is okay in heaven but I just keep hoping. Meanwhile, I’m stuck with Rascal. Yay me.

My typical day starts when my humans get up in the morning. Usually I’m sleeping in my humans recliner. She has this comfy cushion I like to sleep on. But sometimes I sleep in Mr’s chair, just for a change. That is if Rascal isn’t in it. He is the most annoying kid! He runs around the house barking his dumb fool head off for no reason at all that I can see. Then he stops, yells real loud, and does it again. What a strange cat he is. And he likes it when Mr pulls his tail. I sure don’t! The thing I don’t like is that brush! Now I know I need to be brushed – or at least my human thinks so – but I don’t like it. Besides, it’s my fur and if I don’t want to share I shouldn’t have to!

I like to sleep – oh and eat. I have discovered Aja had something going with that begging thing so I started doing it. Now Aja would eat anything – and I do mean anything – oh except for lettuce – unless it had ranch dressing on it bu me, I’m picky. Vanilla, I love vanilla, and maple doughnuts, and potato chips, and ice cream, and of course milk. Oh, when my human makes those peanut butter cookies wow are they good!

I finally got back in the office. For those who don’t know the story, I used to be able to go in the office – then my human got a new sofa and I wasn’t allowed in there. Well I guess she feels sorry for me so she opened the door again. I try not to push it. I don’t want her to kick me out again. But I sure do like it when she lets me lay on the desk in front of the monitor. She hugs me while she is on the computer and that’s nice.

I guess I better go now. I’ll write again when I have something to say. Oh, if you’ve a mind to, would you please pray for my humans? They are really missing Aja and are sad. And that makes me sad. Thank you.

Loving Aja To The Rainbow Bridge – Day 16

Today Aja crossed the bridge. We had no other choice. Dr. Gindville was concerned because she could not seem to settle and was not sleeping at night or when she laid down. He feels she was in pain. We had always said we did not want her to be in pain and Dr. Gindville felt there was nothing more we could have done that would not have cost us a lot of money so we made the decision to go ahead and euthanize her. He was the one to do it. I thought that was very appropriate since he was the one who walked this journey with her ever since the tumor on her lip. He told me today it has been 2 months since he removed that tumor from her lip. Wow time flew! As per my daughters wishes Aja’s remains will not be returned and she will be buried in a common grave with other cremated animals. Somewhere in there is comfort knowing she will not be alone.

Wow this hurts so much! I honestly think hubby is taking it harder than I am! He never wanted to admit just how much he loved that dog and it was so hard to say goodbye – for both of us. I wish I could stop crying long enough to get this typed but it’s not happening. I will miss her so very much. Yes, she could be a pain in the butt at times and yes, we always had to make arrangements for her if we wanted to go away and yes, we had to walk her – a lot in her last days. But damn it we loved her! And that’s what you do when you love. You love till it hurts. And wow does it hurt. WHY doesn’t my daughter understand just how difficult this was for us? WHY did she put us in this position? This was HER dog. We were the ones who were supposed to be detached, not her!

There are no words to express how grateful I am for the outpouring of love and prayers from my Facebook friends and fans of this blog. You have all held me up during this difficult time. I take comfort in knowing that Aja now rests in the arms of Jesus and He has said to her “good job!” She was a loving and faithful companion as well as a great watchdog. Granted she would have licked to death anyone who broke in but the fact that she was a boxer/pit bull mix made them think twice! I will miss her more than I can say but I have Grayson and Rascal to give me comfort. This blog will continue for them.

Thank you Lord for helping us to make this decision, and thank you for Banfield Pet Hospital in Madison, TN. They were amazing.

Loving Aja To The Rainbow Bridge – Day 15

Well it’s been 2 weeks now and I have to say it has been a roller coaster ride. And I’m exhausted. More emotionally than anything. And so conflicted! I don’t know what to do so I am leaving it up to God and Aja to tell me when it’s time.

Aja has an appointment with the vet in the morning. We will see what happens then. Either I will come home with her or I won’t. I know that sounds cold but it’s the truth. Hopefully she will have a good day and he will say give her some more time. Can I do that? I have to. But if we are moving, and now that is up in the air, it will be a lot harder to get her to the vet. I refuse to be selfish. Aja’s needs are most important but if we get the point where she is just so tired we are seriously going to have to decide. It is such an effort for her to walk across the parking lot now. It wears her out. Yes it’s hot and that has a lot to do with it but she is just so tired now. When I took her out earlier she peed – 3 times! – and then pooped. Back and forth across the parking lot. I don’t know if her bladder is giving out or if it’s all the water she is drinking. I just don’t know.

That seems to be all I say anymore. I JUST DON’T KNOW! And I don’t –  everything is so up in the air I want to just scream. I will – later. One praise report though. We cut Aja’s Prednisone dose down from 3 pills daily to 1 1/2 pills last Sunday. The tumors have not enlarged. Thank you Jesus! I am so grateful for that.

One day at a time. That’s all I ask for Lord. Just one day at a time.

Loving Aja To The Rainbow Bridge – Day 14

This has been a good Aja day! Praise God! But that only makes the decision harder and more confusing. She was her old, tail wagging, happy self for most of the day. And there was a lot of activity today. Maybe the Prednisone being cut down by half has been good for her. I don’t know. She still looks bloated to me. We are still going to the vet on Friday and a lot can happen between now and then.

Well, on top of everything else it looks like we may be moving. The apartment complex where we live and my husband is the maintenance manager is being sold and he has opted to stay with the present owner and go to another property. Yay. That property is about 25 miles from Aja’s vet! THAT does not make me happy. But I will NOT change vets. Not now. Banfield Pet Hospital has been amazing with her and just so wonderful and caring. As far as I am concerned they have gone over and above what any vet would do. We are so Blessed to have them.

This is still all up in the air. It just looks like the sale will go through. I would say about 90% sure. It’s that other 10% we have to worry about. But we will take it one day at a time and by the Grace of God it will all work out.

Loving Aja To The Rainbow Bridge – Day 13

Maybe it’s time. Hubby seems to think so. Whatever is going on with Aja’s stomach is not letting up. The blood has diminished but the gassy smell will knock you over. And now she is having to pee at least every hour and having accidents in the house. She doesn’t even realize she is doing it. I took her out and she peed twice, came back in the house and not 10 minutes later she had an accident. What amazes me is she can go the whole night without an accident. I just don’t get it. Lord, PLEASE tell me what to do! I don’t want to make the wrong decision! If it’s time, I need to know it’s time. If it’s not, I need to know why I should keep fighting. The vet says 2-3 months and it’s been almost 2 weeks and we are seeing a downward trend. Yes, she has good days, then she has bad days. But everything seems like so much of an effort for her now. Her hind legs seem so weak. I don’t want her to hang on just for us. But she loves us that much so she will. This is so hard! Why do I have to be the one to make the decision! I want to do what’s best for her but I don’t want to let her go. I am just so conflicted.

She has an appointment at the vet on Friday that was made before the Sunday emergency one. I’m letting it stand. I’ll see how she is by then and then we will make a decision. How come this is my daughters dog and I get the honor of doing the suffering? Why is that. She gets the easy part. I want to be angry with her for putting me in this position. I didn’t want a dog! She did! But who raised it? Me! Who got attached to it? Me! Who cleaned up after it, worried about it, fed, watered and walked it? ME! Who doesn’t want to say goodbye? ME! She just doesn’t get it and that doesn’t help.

Lord, please give me strength and lead me to the right decision for this animal. Amen.

Loving Aja To The Rainbow Bridge – Day 12

Today was much better than yesterday. I know the vet said she would have highs and lows but good grief, she goes really high and then really low! For the most part the bleeding has stopped. The vet may be right. She might have a touch of colitis. Or it’s the tumors. Either way she seems to be doing better today. She is eating and drinking which naturally leads to peeing – a lot – and pooping! So I would say bodily functions are normal.

Today is the first day on the lower dose of Prednisone. The vet cut it down early from 3 pills to 1 1/2 pills daily. My biggest fear – now that we have lowered the dose the tumors will start to grow again. Then what do we do? I’ll leave that up to God and the vet.

No two days are the same. My day depends on how Aja’s day is going. She is needing to go out now at least every 2 hours which makes it very difficult to have a life. But that’s okay. She is the most important consideration right now. By the Grace of God and prayers we will get through this and when it is Aja’s time to cross the bridge we will know we did everything we could to make the trip easier for her. I hope that day doesn’t come too soon.

Loving Aja To The Rainbow Bridge – Day 11

Hi. My name is Grayson Patrick Young and I am Aja’s best friend. Oh, and by the way, I am a cat. My human said I could do the blog tonight because she is just so drained. I don’t know what that is but that doesn’t sound good either.

My dog isn’t doing so well. In fact, she is doing badly. I hope the blood in her poop stops so she can stay around longer. My human said the vet told her it is probably because of the tumors. See, my Aja has mass cell carcinoma. Those are big words. What it means is, she has cancer and the masses can be anywhere in her body and all look different. The medicine my human is giving her really made the tumors shrink but then the bleeding in her poop started yesterday.

Let me tell you about my best friend Aja. Some humans are afraid of her because she is half pit bull and half boxer. She is a big dog, about 70 lbs worth. If she ever fell on me she would squash me like a bug! Bur she wouldn’t do that because, you see, my Aja is the most gentle and loving dog you would ever want to meet, and I love her a lot. She lets me lick her paws, and if she is in a good mood I even get to clean her ears! That hasn’t happened lately though. I curl up next to her and she loves on me. I really don’t like it though when she gives me a bath! I prefer to do my own bath! I don’t know what I will do when she isn’t here anymore. I will be so sad and lonely. I will have no one with 4 feet who loves me. Rascal, my adopted brother, is a jerk and we don’t like each other so he won’t be any help. I guess I will just have to love on my humans more. Gosh, I can’t imagine getting up in the morning and not seeing my dog. I don’t know how to be not sad. This just really hurts my heart because I know she is sick and there is nothing I can do about it.

My human said not to make this too long so I guess I will go now but before I do can I ask you a favor? If you are reading this would you please pray for my dog and my humans? They both really love Aja too, even though Mr won’t admit it. That would really help a lot and I would appreciate it. Thank you for letting me tell you about my best friend Aja.

Loving Aja To The Rainbow Bridge – Day 9 & 10

Sorry there wasn’t a post last night. I forgot before I turned off the computer. Aja had another good day yesterday She was happy and playful. Took all her meds. Basically an uneventful day.

Then we got to today. Aja’s “mommy” came home about 1:30 AM for a brief visit. She is now gone. That’s how quick it was. Aja was happy to see her but not the same over excited dog we were used to. Perhaps the Benadryl is helping in that area. Even though her mommy was here, Aja just didn’t seem interested. In fact, she wasn’t herself today. When I got up this morning there was a puddle in the hallway. She NEVER does that and it was too big for it to be one of the cats.I also noticed she was panting all day. Drinking and eating but panting like she was over heated. Now that may have been because there were extra people in the house. Mommy and boyfriend decided to take Aja to the park for some exercise. I had noticed earlier in the day that her stools had become softer. She didn’t eat anything different so I wasn’t sure what was going on. Then her mommy called me from the park to say that Aja had just had a bowel movement and it was bloody. Oh boy, red flag. She said it started out normal, soft but normal, and then turned to all blood. Then she squatted a few more times and it was bloody. When she came in she laid on the floor under the fan instead of behind my chair. I immediately texted our vet receptionist who has “babysat” Aja in the past and asked her what timer Banfield opened tomorrow and who the vet on duty would be. Thank God they open at 11 AM and it is Aja’s vet. I relayed the information to her and she relayed it to the doctor and he said bring her in at 11, don’t even call for an appointment.

This doesn’t sound good and I hope I am panicking for nothing. I don’t know why I am panicking. I knew her good days wouldn’t last but the tumors have become so small. I was really hopeful and I am praying this is nothing but I remember the vet saying we don’t know how many tumors she has or where they are and the Prednisone can irritate the lining of her stomach. That is why she takes the Pepcid. So we will see tomorrow what the next step is.

I have put Aja in God’s hands and am asking that His will, not mine, be done. I am also asking anyone who wishes to please pray for Aja. Thank you.